Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
