my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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