Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
