I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
