Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
