Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yo dont text me then not text me
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
