She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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