im six kinds of drunk right now
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
