I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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