So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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