still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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