I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
