My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
