I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
