i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
