drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize