I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
