I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
