i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
