is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
