its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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