New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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