I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
