Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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