I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
