In the future we'll all be gay
Can Purell be used as lube?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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