I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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