Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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