the condom got lost in my hair
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
