We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Randomize
