Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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