Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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