I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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