Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
