I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
