Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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