I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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