Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
