pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
