brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
