I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
