I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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