dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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