Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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