So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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