For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
