u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
