You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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