When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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