We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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