There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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