Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
