so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
