You can't motorboat a personality
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
