I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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