I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
